Last week, I wrote about why leaders—and perhaps ministry leaders in particular—don’t seek the help of counselors, therapists, spiritual directors, or coaches. Those 3 reasons were:

1. Sunday is always coming.
2. It feels “selfish” to take care of yourself.
3. Cost and expense.

This week, I want to offer three more reasons why these leaders find it so hard to ask for help.  There are probably a myriad of reasons, but these are a few that hit home.

4. It feels like “weakness” to admit we need help.  Sure, we can preach on a passage that says, “When I am weak, then I am strong,” but actually confessing our exhaustion, need for rest, or feelings of isolation can make us worry that people might think we are not capable as leaders.  Leaders are supposed to exude certainty and strength, right?  What happens when we are uncertain and feel depleted?  
5. Sometimes we live in an organizational culture that is marked by overwork.  We may work amongst those that are always doing more, staying later, and will do whatever it takes to move the mission forward.  To be the one staff member who is asking for time off, a sabbatical, or just a day to regroup after a hectic season can feel risky, and we might feel something is “wrong” with us when we longing for recovery time. 
6. Do we believe that just “talking about it” will really help?  We have most likely been asked the question:  “Does prayer really DO anything?”  Likewise, we might wonder if just talking to someone will really “do” anything to help.  Sure, people might come to us, seeking counsel, wisdom, compassion, and prayer.  But do we trust that going to someone else for the same things will be worth it?

I want to help guide leaders towards their wholeness, by helping them discover—or re-discover—their unique design and purpose.

I am now serving with a ministry called Standing Stone, which has aimed for twenty years to provide a space for free, confidential coaching and care for pastors, ministry leaders, and leaders of every sphere. Standing Stone believes that healthy leaders need companions on their leadership journey, and that healthy leaders will lead healthy organizations that help transform their communities. You can learn more here: https://standingstoneministry.org/shepherd/burke-david/

In 2015, 38% of pastors used to seek out help from therapists, counselors, spiritual directors several times a month.  Now, according to the most recent Barna research, only 18% do.  Why is that?  

Leaders in other spaces seem to be growing in their awareness of needing help. According to this study, 32% of chief executive officers seek the help of an executive counselor, and 22% receive assistance from a psychologist or therapists. Here are three reasons why I think pastors in particular don’t seek out help from counselors, therapists, spiritual directors, or mentors.

First,

1. Sunday is always coming. 

The rhythm of leading worship and preaching every week is constant.  And, attendance at those weekly services may be one of the few tangible markers pastoral leaders have in measuring the effectiveness of their ministry.  The internal pressure to be prepared for weekly worship is heavy.  

While some preachers make public speaking look effortless, research has shown that it takes a toll on people.  Archibald Hart has written about the “adrenaline let down,” a physiological phenomenon that brings fatigue, emotional depletion, and a sense of emptiness.  

Pastors and ministry leaders may learn to “push through,” and not address these recurring symptoms of stress, because “Sunday is coming.”

2. It feels “selfish” to take care of yourself

I took a cross-country flight recently.  This might be an overused analogy, but you may have heard this:  “Put on your own air mask before helping others.”  The lesson here is simple:  if we don’t take the time to keep ourselves healthy, we will not be able to really help others.  

Those in all helping professions probably have something within them that is geared to notice others’ needs and move to bring healing to them.  Ironically, those same people may not be tuned to notice their own needs.  Could it be that the internal and external rewards they receive from being a help to others outweigh the voice that tells them to slow down and take care of themselves?

The season of the Covid pandemic forced so many leaders to adapt quickly.  Then, when things normalized, there was tremendous pressure for church leaders to “get people back to church again.”  Many churches haven’t fully recovered.  To take time away for help feels selfish in the midst of unfinished work.  

There is also still a lingering stigma of counseling, or therapy.  Leaders may wonder if others are asking:  “Why would a person whose calling is to direct a group of people spiritually need their own spiritual director?”

3. Cost and expense

It was both the encouragement, and the generous financial gift, of one couple in the church that I served that got me to consider getting help from an executive coach.  The two coaches that I ended up working with helped me immensely over the course of four years.  If I had to pay for that out of my own pocket, I don’t believe I would have pursued it.  With a large family, making ends meet was already a challenge.  Having never had a coach before, I’m not sure I could have justified the expense because I didn’t yet know the benefits. 

Those coaches (here and here!) gave me a space to talk openly and honestly.  I learned a great deal about myself and how I get in my own way in leadership.  They asked powerful questions, helping me discern so many things, and bring a healthier version of myself into leadership. 

Their influence was a help in me deciding to become a coach myself.  My hope is to find those who are willing to invest in their own life and leadership health and guide them into a greater wholeness.  

I am now serving with a ministry called Standing Stone, which has aimed for twenty years to provide a space for free, confidential coaching and care for pastors, ministry leaders, and leaders of every sphere. Standing Stone believes that healthy leaders need companions on their leadership journey, and that healthy leaders will lead healthy organizations that help transform their communities. You can learn more here: https://standingstoneministry.org/shepherd/burke-david/