How To Get Along

Believe it or not, Jesus has a lot of things to say to those who claim to follow Him about how to get along. In fact, the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5-7), considered by many to be the most profound spiritual teaching ever written, contains multiple references to how we are to handle conflict, whether we are to seek revenge, how we make promises to one another, and more.

This past spring, I took the opportunity to audit a class offered by Fuller Seminary. It was entitled, “One Body, Many Frustrations: A Systems Approach to Conflict in Congregations.” It was taught by Cameron Lee, a long time member of the faculty at Fuller, a licensed marriage and family therapist. A “systems approach” is nothing more than a recognition that every group can begin to behave as a “system,” like a system in the body—the circulatory system, the respiratory system, etc. In fact, when the apostle Paul refers to the church as the “body of Christ,” we can see that within the body are multiple systems. Each of those systems behave in a certain way because of how they were created and designed, and they depend on one another (as Paul points out in I Corinthians 12).

In a community of people like the church, those systems, Professor Lee taught us, were created by shared stories, feelings and memories that go with those stories, and the rules, structures, and policies that came out of those stories and feelings, and so on. Conflict naturally comes when new decisions, or people unfamiliar with the history and rules, come into relationship with the existing systems. Because we are always changing, reforming as a church, conflict is inevitable. So, how do we get along with one another when conflict comes?

Over the next six weeks, we’re going to look at just a few of Jesus’ sayings in the gospel of Matthew, and Paul’s words to the church in Ephesus. In the guide below, I hope to ask each week some questions for reflection for us as individuals. And, that families with kids could ask these in their homes, perhaps around the dinner table. Finally, those at work could imagine how these teachings might play out in the workplace. Feel free to adapt any of these as you wish. My hope is that we might be changed by the word of God in these passages, through the conviction and comfort of the Holy Spirit. And we might learn how to get along in the way of Jesus.

Week 1

“So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.” Jesus, Matthew 5:23

Would you leave your own wedding, at the moment of the vows, and go and meet with someone that you knew was angry with you? That is the analogy that Dallas Willard gives in his book, The Divine Conspiracy, to explain the weight of Jesus’ words here. We are removed from the context of the ritual of offering gifts at the altar of a temple. But Willard argues that the picture that Jesus was painting was one that would be familiar with the crowd. The ritual of offering your gift at the altar was an elaborate one. There were certain rules, certain expectations, and one of those expectations was that nothing would interrupt this sacred ceremony.

First, it is important that we set the context of this famous sermon of Jesus, named the “Sermon on the Mount” (Matthew 5-7). Jesus begins with “beatitudes,” a description of who really is well-off in God’s kingdom. It is not who we think. Jesus turns the common thinking of his day upside-down by saying it is the poor, those who mourn, the meek, the merciful, the peacemakers, the peacemakers, and the pure in heart. And, those who are still hungering and thirsting after right relationship—with God, and with others. Jesus is telling the crowd, and us, that God sees the down-and-out, those suffering, those who know they aren’t in control, those who are seeking God and wanting to live in peace with others. And in that condition, not because of their condition, but IN that condition, that God’s presence and power are available.

Next, Jesus says that his hearers are salt and light in the world. Those who will live by these teachings of his will be those that add flavor to the world, help preserve it from rotting (the use of salt in Jesus’ day), and will illuminate all that is good, true, and beautiful. Then, Jesus tells us why he is here. Not to abolish the laws of God, but to show what fulfillment of those laws really looks like.

It is out of all of this teaching that Jesus then moves to this passage. It is interesting to note that Jesus begins his most famous teaching by stressing the importance of relationship with one another. This passage we are looking at comes in the context of a commandment not to murder. It is one of the Ten Commandments found in Exodus 20. Jesus pushes us all past a cursory obedience to that commandment to reveal the source of murder: anger. Jesus is showing us that it from the well of anger that murder comes, and we must drain the water from that well. So we must become the kind of person that is not mastered by anger.

Jesus then uses this illustration in Matthew 5:23 to show what that would look like. The person who builds their house on the teachings of Jesus would be one who, in the midst of performing a religious or cultural ritual, would see that the more important thing would be reconciliation with a friend, relative, co-worker, or neighbor.

Willard, again in The Divine Conspiracy, makes it a point to emphasize this about Jesus’ teaching. The point is not that we do these things. Rather, we embark upon the journey to become the kind of person who would do these things.

He writes, “Now just think of what the quality of life and character must be in a person who would routinely interrupt sacred rituals to pursue reconciliation with a fellow human being. What kind of thought life, what feeling tones and moods, what habits of body and mind, what kinds of deliberations and choices would you find in such a person? When you answer these questions, you will have a vision of the true “rightness beyond” that is at home in God’s kingdom of power and love.” (Divine Conspiracy, 156)

May we embark on a journey to be at home in God’s kingdom of power and love, and learn to truly get along.

Questions for reflection:

Willard mentions “quality of life and character,” “thought life, feeling tones and moods,” and “habits of body and mind” that might enable someone to do what Jesus describes in Matthew 5:23. What comes to mind when you read those words? Which of those might be lacking in your own life? What might Jesus be calling you to give up, or to add, to lean into Him to become that kind of person?

Questions for families and kids:

What are the situations at home, or at school, that you find causing fights among you? Are you holding onto any grudges with someone else? What might Jesus say to you about those grudges?

Questions for your work:

I’m picturing here a boss holding a meeting to announce a big development in the company—perhaps the launching of a new product. Can you imagine the boss stopping the presentation and telling everyone he or she needed to reconcile with a co-worker first? What would that communicate to those present at the meeting? What would you think about the character of that boss?

One comment

  1. Jason Leonard · July 8, 2019

    Ty David. You changed my life when you spoke with me about this back in 2006. Specifically, Jesus saying “if your brother has something against you” was and is convicting. It’s not if I’m holding onto something or if I think my conscience is clean. But if I realize that my brother has something against me… go! Reconciliation is so important that it relegated blame or guilt to a secondary issue. Just crazy. Life changing. Thank you!


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